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Posts tagged ‘The You Zoo’

Mud Slinging or Wallowing in a Mud Hole…

personality chart2

The Lighter Side of Personality Downfalls

This morning, as I was fixing my daughter’s hair, she started to get frustrated. I could see her emotions were about to erupt. (Yes, she is a combination of Powerful Choleric/Playful Sanguine!) Her brother who was nearby could feel the tension rising as well. Now to many personalities, we would back off, however, being a fellow Powerful Choleric, he thought this was an invitation to go in for the kill! Understanding both personalities, and being a Peaceful Phlegmatic, I decided to try and diffuse them both.

“Now wait a minute,” I said. “You both know that it can be a down fall of your personality to say unkind things before you think. So, take just a minute and stop yourself. OK!?”

“What! You’re saying my personality is a downfall!! How rude!!” My daughter’s emotions continued down the track, full speed ahead into the drama depot!

“No, that’s not what I said. What I said is that saying unkind things before you think can be your personality downfall. Every personality has a down fall. That just happens to be one you both share.” I explained.

“Wait a minute! I don’t do what she does. She makes a big scene, and I don’t!” My Powerful Choleric/Proper Melancholic child quickly defended. “So aren’t we different?”

“You have similarities and differences. You both tend to say things that might be unkind before you think. But she will shout them, and you will mumble them in hopes that we will hear. That my dear is the perfect example of how you are different!” That is the difference between the Powerful Choleric/Playful Sanguine and the Powerful Choleric/Proper Melancholic. I explained them to the kids with the use of the Monkeys from The You Zoo book, since that is easier for them to remember.

“So you and Jackson don’t have any personality downfalls?” My daughter was not putting down her drama card easy!

“Oh sure we do! Every personality has downfalls as well as many strengths! We would just THINK the unkind things in our head!” I quickly admitted.

“What! You think bad things about us in your head!!” My son seemed shocked.

“Yes, sometimes we do. But at least we don’t hurt your heart and make you hear them!” I justified.

“So is that better?” My son quizzed.

“Well, no, neither is kind. Not having unkind thoughts is probably the thing we should all shoot for!” I explained to the kids. Then we all just burst out laughing. Guess it’s like mud slinging or wallowing in a mud hole?! They are both dirty!

It was one of those teaching moments you couldn’t set up any better. You just take the opportunities as they arise. It really has amazed me over the years how well my kids understand the personality information. Even more surprising, how much they love learning about it!

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Parenting With Personality–It WILL Make a Difference

colors and kids

We’ve covered some of the personality basics, such as the visual clues, verbal clues, strengths, struggles and personality blends, but you might be wondering why this is important. What difference will it make? How will it help my family? There are numerous ways in which this information can transform you, your relationship with your child, and your whole family!

Nineteen years ago, I gave birth to my first son. He was cute, cuddly, easy going, and enjoyable. This was my first trip through parenting. I rarely had to discipline, and he behaved quite well. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I guess in some ways, I thought I was rockin’ this mother stuff! I must be a pretty good mom. He was well-mannered and compliant and got along so well with young and old alike. I must be doing something right!

Well, five years later I gave birth to our second son. I loved him and enjoyed him just as much as my first, but it was clear from the beginning that this was a whole new journey! From early on, he tested, he tried, and he pushed the limits. He was not the compliant type, knew no giants, and was willing to go toe-to-toe at the start of each day, and many times in between! I struggled and felt like I was failing as a mom. I couldn’t do anything right, and what had worked so well with my first child just flopped with my second child. I had lost my touch. I stunk at mothering!

Then one day, as I was reflecting on their differences I began to think about the personality books I had read nearly ten years before. Wait a minute! It all started coming together as I thought about their personalities and their unique strengths and needs. I could continue to walk this road of utter frustration, or I could pause to figure out how my journey with each would look, feel, and be different and unique. That pausing and reflecting probably kept me from giving up as a mom and never having another child. It helped me realize the importance of living each day with the knowledge that my relationship with each child would have to be handled unique to their personality. And that has made all the difference in my connections with each of my kids.

My trial and error didn’t end with those two kids. I am a mother of seven. And let me tell you, if I didn’t know about the personalities I would think I was losing my mind! We have a wide variety of personalities…no two exactly alike. You could either say we have our bases covered or you could say we have a three ring circus! I have experienced that feeling that things are going easily, and I have also felt that same frustration that I’m just not cutting it! But now, I feel armed with an understanding of the personalities and practical tools to meet each child right where they are…and not necessarily where I want them to be! It has been a true lifesaver. And that is simply why I have such a passion to educate, encourage, and equip parents as they parent their children and form lasting relationships with them.

This understanding of the personalities can extend beyond just me as a mom though. Our whole family can put this to use. Our sons can gain insight into why their sister loves to imagine and pretend and her frustration when they don’t take part. Our daughter can begin to see how exhausting her emotional roller coaster can be for her brothers who just live in laid back mode. One who desires constant activity may need to understand that another needs some down time at home to get back on his game. The child who likes to bark orders and run the show can learn what response he gets when he doesn’t communicate with a kinder tone.

Maybe you’re a parent who is struggling and doubting your ability. Maybe you just think that there has got to be an easier way to understand your child. Maybe you just need something to help transform the lack of flow or connection your family feels. Let me assure you…parenting with personality WILL make a difference. I couldn’t be more confident that this personality information will make a difference for you and your family. This blog will establish the basics of personalities so that readers can always have a resource to turn to for the framework of personalities, but then we will be an ongoing resource of practical tools and ideas for the things families face each day. This blog is a companion resource and based on the book The You Zoo.

Did I Really Just Hear That? Verbal Clues to Your Child’s Personality

children talking

One might imagine the noise and chatter among nine humans in a home such as ours! And while I wish I could claim that we have all our ducks in a row and are perfectly mannered and organized, truth is, we have our tidal waves of chaos, noise, and stress. At times, I think we need a whistle (okay, maybe a secluded island) just to reclaim some quiet air time! One such predictable wave appears to happen at meal time. You can always count on a side of whacky chatter, served alongside a healthy helping of boy noise (yes, there’s six of them), all amidst the stirred pot of drama by the lone drama queen (yes, we have just one lone girl in the bunch). Yes, there is also the usual table conversation that several are attempting to have, and despite my efforts at proclaiming the table a “clap-free, chant-free, drama-free, banging-free zone”…we still end up sounding like a bad rap song at times! I remind myself often that around that very table we are making memories, connecting, and learning (hopefully those desired manners).  The things said around that table are very important. They give us a window into the hearts of our kids, a glimpse into the hours spent apart, a piece of what they are holding dear or dreadfully hoping to forget, as they recount the experiences of their day. Maybe the learning that happens around that table far exceeds manners, but really teaches me about the thoughts, feelings, and needs of my children. Opening my ears and mind to what I hear there might really help me understand what makes each child tick!

Truth be known, though, there are things being said throughout the course of a day that serve as great verbal clues to a child’s personality. Some of these things are being said as they tell stories and retell experiences. Other things are being said as they are asked questions and carry on conversations. But honestly, some of the best verbal clues are happening spontaneously, in response to what is happening around them. Some of these responses happen between adult and child, some between children, and for some personalities…even to themselves!

So lets’ imagine for a moment that we get some uninterrupted time to just listen to each of the personalities. Let’s focus on some of the clues that each of them might give throughout the course of a day. Now remember, it’s not so much about the exact words. Every personality could say the words if need be. We are thinking about the words or phrases that tend to come without hesitations, by habit, and with intention to communicate their needs.

A Playful Sanguine child engages others from an early age. They are usually early talkers. This child generally greats each day with excitement and wants to be busy with fun all day long. “Are we going anywhere? What are we gonna do today?” They will want to know who they get to see or what they get to do and will be expressive and dramatic as they put it all together. “Do you know what my mom did?” And then you cringe, hang on, and prepare to run and hide! This child will tell everything and then some. “That’s not the end of my story!” They bring a whole new meaning to the term TMI or too much information. Because they love to tell stories, they have a hard time stopping those stories, and can be found in the midst of a big fat lie with no effort at all! “Yes, it really did happen!”  They will want to engage with others, even if they are perfect strangers, and can notify them of all your personal information in about 3 seconds flat! They aren’t much for the mundane and will remember the fun times, so prepare to attempt to relive their fun moments just to make a mundane task bearable. “Can we make this fun, like that time when…” And truly, that word will be central to their functioning and communicating…FUN! Because they have a flair for the dramatic, prepare to hear words that represent the extremes…the words All, none, never, always which may be delivered with tears or deep expression.

A Powerful Choleric child has his communication packaged for great effectiveness at a very early age. They may have been loud and deliberate criers. Early on they learn to point to help get the message heard. They never struggle to say, “No!” Even when an adult asks them to do something, they won’t think twice before they say, “I don’t want to!” When asked questions about their preferences or opinions, they will not hesitate to give their honest thoughts, “No, I don’t like it.” They see little need to get help from others, and working with others will generally frustrate them, so you will often hear them say, “I can do it myself!” Most generally, they like their plan best. So don’t be surprised if other plans are met with, “That won’t work!” or “That’s dumb!” Being direct and to the point may distract this child from the using the polite words of please and thank you and instead they may declare, “ I want…” This child may appear to speak with one volume, LOUD and confident.

A Proper Melancholic won’t give as many verbal clues, but that in itself is a clue. They are private and tend to keep their words and thoughts to themselves, sharing on a need to know basis. Because they think carefully about their words, they often preface things with, “I think…”. They like when things work perfectly, and may get very upset when they don’t. “It doesn’t work,” might really mean, it’s not perfect. Because justice is of high importance to them, they will often declare, “It’s not fair!” They have great memory for how things have gone in the past and won’t want you to forget, “Last time they got to…” Because they want things to turn out perfectly, you may hear, “Can you help me..” a lot. This child may appear moody or upset, but does not want to be cheered. Instead they will probably just say, “I want to be alone.” They may not speak their minds, but will desire for you to just know what they need. If asked what’s wrong, they will probably respond, “Nothing,” but they may really be wishing you would care enough to figure it out. Their voices tend to be quieter, making them often sound shy or even sad.

A Peaceful Phlegmatic may be slightly harder to hear, as they don’t speak up very often. But when they speak it will usually be meaningful. These are typically very observant children but will probably not say much about what they see unless you ask. Should you ask for an answer, though, you may hear, “I don’t know.” They are indecisive and don’t ever want their answer to cause any problems or hurt feelings. But don’t stop there. They may have an impressive insight. When asked to get something done, their first response is usually, “I can’t.”  or  “I don’t know how.” When trying to complete tasks you just might hear how easily they become over whelmed. “It’s too much!” or “It’s too hard!” follows even simple requests. They require a great amount of down time and rest, so you may hear them say, “I’m too tired” quite often! They have no problem asking, “Can you help me?” They are very in tune to those around them and care about their comfort. So words like “Are you okay?”  or “What’s the matter” flow easily from them as they observe others. They generally use their calm words and tone to be an agent for peace and reassurance.

As you listen to your children, you may be surprised at the clues they give you to understanding their personality and what makes them tick! It is helpful to slow down and understand not just the words but the meaning behind them. When we understand where our kids are coming from, we can better help them get where they are going! Take time to connect and know them as they are, and they will feel loved in a whole new way!

*** For more information on understanding your child and his/her unique personality, check out this refreshing and practical parenting tool. The You Zoo book is an interactive children’s personality assessment that serves as a great parenting resource with loads of useful information and tips packed inside. Visit TheYouZoo.com to learn more about it.

More Than Meets the Eye!

kids and colors

Let’s face it…before we had children of our own, we saw kids through a totally different set of eyes. The little boy throwing a fit at the grocery store was a little stinker that needed better discipline. That little girl that wouldn’t even take part in her own birthday party was just a rude little girl that was ungrateful. And that crying toddler that was clinging to his mother’s leg was just not well adjusted at all. Oh how quickly those judgments could fly through our minds with little or no effort! And how sure we could be that, “I will never have a child like that!” Oh how those words can sting later in life! And they are particularly hard to swallow as you find yourself attempting to quiet a fit in a grocery store checkout lane, coax a child to interact at their own party, and pulling that clingy toddler from your own leg! What we really learn as parents can be quite eye opening. And if we were to step back and admit it, we find that parenting takes a set of gracious eyes that sees more than what’s obvious in the moment. That little boy throwing the fit may be on his sixth stop in town, late to eat lunch, and two hours past his nap time. That little girl could very well be an introvert that wants to have a birthday party but quickly finds herself over stimulated and in need of some down time. And the poor little toddler that is clinging to the leg…well, he is simply afraid to see his mommy leave him when his daddy left for deployment last week. Yes, there is usually more than meets the eye!

This is why the understanding of personalities is so helpful. To simply make judgments on behaviors, we could be easily mistaken. One must stop to understand the frame of reference, the motivation behind a behavior, and even the thoughts or feelings that might proceed the action. When we take time to understand the basics of personalities, then we can better understand what is going on with our children. We can anticipate what their actions, reactions, and needs may be. We will learn to understand what really makes them tick!

So, as we prepare to learn about the different personalities, lets clear our mind of judgment. Let’s try to see each personality in their true and unique form. We will look at each personality and truly attempt to understand their frame of reference, their strengths, their struggles, and most importantly, their needs. So we will need to look beyond the simple behavior, and understand that even if we see similar behaviors, they may be for very different reasons or motivations. And just like the colors in a box of crayons, there is not one color that is better than another or worse than another. They each serve their own purpose, add their own touch, and bring some piece of the picture all together!

As we look at the personalities of children we will look at four different personality types. There is the Playful Sanguine, the Powerful Choleric, the Proper Melancholic, and the Peaceful Phlegmatic. You will see the link for the graphic of the quadrant below. This graphic may be helpful as you envision the personalities as we learn about them. Children are typically a combination of two adjoining boxes. As we progress through our discussion of personalities, you will probably be able to identify which of the personality blends your child might be. You will probably also be able to identify where you might fall on the quadrant. Each of the next few posts will take you a step further in the process of truly understanding your child better.

This information is from the book, The You Zoo. Feel free to visit TheYouZoo.com if you are interested in learning more about the personalities from this book. It is an interactive personality assessment and parenting resource that you will find invaluable in parenting your child according to their natural bent. This blog is intended to be another source of education, encouragement, and a practical tool to equip you as you parent your children according to their personalities!

Click on this link to see The You Zoo Simple Quadrant.

Learning about the personalities and your child specifically can be an exciting adventure! Join us as we begin to put the pieces together!

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Don’t Parent Alone!

It takes a village to raise a child.

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Indeed, that becomes obvious from the moment you get that tiny baby home from the hospital. You realize their utter dependence on you to keep them alive, and you know you will have to ask others for their help, advice, and support! The older your little one gets, the more apparent that statement becomes. You also learn over the course of years, that you could drive yourself nuts with all the unsolicited advice and conflicting approaches, or you could gather all the information you can and then glean what is most appropriate and useful for your family.

The information I learned about personalities is one of the most useful tools I’ve used in parenting six kids. There were times I would have thought I was losing my mind, if I didn’t understand the different personalities and their unique perspectives on life. I quickly learned that what worked with one child didn’t necessarily work with another. And when I thought I had things figured out, one would always throw me for a loop. Understanding how to approach each child with communication and discipline that was tailored to each child’s personality was the most effective tool I discovered. This blog is intended to be a companion resource to The You Zoo book. Here I will offer information, encouragement, and practical tools to make your parenting journey more fun, more productive, and more effective.

There will be times this blog shares stories, there will be times this blog shares information, but mostly this blog will share the understanding that parenting can be a reward, yet challenging task. This is where you can get some new insight, perspective, and tools! If you have specific questions that you would like addressed in a future blog, please feel free to send them to Jami at jami@jamikirkbride.com.

Visit TheYouZoo.com for more information about the book The You Zoo, that will be referred to periodically in this blog.

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